


The gods are not dead. They live in women. They live in me.

by mcfuck



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/F, aside from shepard all the other characters are only mentioned, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-13
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-31 05:00:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10892217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcfuck/pseuds/mcfuck
Summary: heavily inspired by this wonderful writing on tumblr: http://inkskinned.com/post/158171638359/the-gods-are-not-dead-when-men-speak-to-me-like-ii had feelings and i needed to write something dramatic with my shepard (her name is Gladiolus)





	The gods are not dead. They live in women. They live in me.

_ I know the rage of Artemis. I hunt those who hurt my sisters, I slay demons, I run in night with red lips. _

 

I know a love unrestricted by boundaries or judgment or the space between bodies. I know a fierce anger that fuels armies, a fury that topples empires and brings all to their knees in the end. They will resist. And they will fall.

 

I know a spiteful stubbornness, the need to prove myself to every single person I encounter. I will succeed because you believe I cannot. You dare to doubt my abilities, and you will die like every other skeptic.

 

This stubbornness, this rage is what fuels me as I limp forward. My arms ache from the rebound of the pistol as I fire, again, again, again. I have a mission. I will die, like any other dime-a-dozen soldier. I will die so those who doubted me can live to see that I accomplished the impossible. 

 

_ When men take power from me, i hear her whispering. “Take it back,” she says, tongue sweet, ambrosia in the bloodstream, “take back your city.” _

 

The glass cracks, shatters, and my fingers squeeze on the trigger again. If I must die for a war that should never have been started, this monster, this abomination will go down with me. The catalyst, every single reaper, all synthetics will crumble if it means that anyone still surviving will have one last chance at life.

 

Something creaks, groans and screeches with the sound of bending, tearing metal. My ears burn, I keep shooting. The ground beneath my feet shakes.

 

My mouth tastes of copper and blood, my jaw aches from clenching my teeth, but I smile. I grin as the machine explodes into flame before me. I shoot. I keep walking on unsteady feet, and that spite, that stubbornness keeps my knees from buckling underneath me.

 

_ I know demeter for the way I feel in dirt, I catch sunlight in my palms and beg people to be disgusted at girl unhaunted by pretty, my hair a mess and my legs hairy and my body thick. _

 

The rage of a higher power, the rage of a vengeful goddess is what keeps me standing.

 

Rage, determination, stubbornness. And love.

 

Love is what keeps me going. All these years of keeping feelings, vulnerability locked away, under maximum security. Yet so many people have managed to find a place in my heart nonetheless. I trudge forward, it aches to know how many people I’ll be leaving behind. It gives me strength remembering who I am fighting for. Who I will be dying for.

 

Samara, the woman I would give everything for, the woman who would and die for me and whom I would die for in return. The lover I never got to know. The sharpness of her cheekbones and her jaw that I always longed to feel against my fingers, face cupped in my hand; the mournfulness and intensity in her eyes. The sway of her hips that never failed to have me hypnotized, enchanted by her mere existence. 

 

_ I’ve kissed aphrodite, I’ve met her not in lust only but in the girl who listens like she is tied to your soul. _

 

Liara, my rock, my anchor. My nightingale, sweet-voiced messenger of spring and the shifting seasons. I am proud to have known her, proud to have her on my crew. In a world of pain, she couldn’t have been anything other than an angel. Seemingly untouched by the hardships of such an awful galaxy. Simultaneously so pure, so kind, yet so ruthless with her words and her weapons. She was a fountain of knowledge, endless wisdom, endless compassion, endless love.

 

_ I feel Athena awaken somewhere in my bone structure. her mouth spits words i had forgotten i memorized, facts from the deep pockets of libraries. _

 

I am blessed, thankful to have kissed her before my time was up; pulled her close, pressed my lips to her forehead, and promised her that I would be in her arms again before she knew it.

 

Promises were always made to be broken.

 

Garruss. Crewmate, friend, family. Brother. If Liara was my anchor, Garrus was the one who would break that chain and set me loose. The one who lit the fuse. He was my motivation, my partner, truly two of a kind. I could always depend on having him there at my shoulder in a fight, I could tell him to jump and he would not pause to ask how high. Desperately, selfishly, I wish he was here with me to push me forward, to steady my hand and urge me to keep shooting and destroy the source of so much death, so much suffering in this galaxy. He looked betrayed, desperate, terrified when I had forced him to return to the Normandy without him. I could not meet his gaze then, but I wish that I did, one last time.

 

Wrex. One of many casualties along the way, one of the most memorable. One of the most dearly missed. He never got to see the genophage be cured, never got to join his people in celebrating a new beginning for the Krogan. I have always been sure that the next time I see him, it would be in hell. Now, I have my chance, to retell every glorious battle he would have loved to fought in. He should have had the chance to die in glory, not at the hands of his own captain.

 

Thane died in a hospital bed with the last of his family, with me, at his side, and I could now give his son a chance at life. Mordin died to give another race a chance to thrive again. Miranda died for her sister, she died for love. Anderson died for so many, for so much, for an Alliance that had taken him for granted and for a galaxy that did the same. He died for me, and my crew. Returning the favor is the very least I can do to honor him. Ashley sacrificed herself so the rest of us could live, she died surrounded and fire and chaos, like I will. 

 

Ashley died a hero. 

 

I will die as anything but a hero, not a martyr. Only a soldier, the only thing I have ever been. 

 

So many have fought for me, died for me, under my command. So many will live, once I dissolve to ash, to dust, to oblivion, along with the reapers I drag to the depths of hell with me.

 

There was an old saying among soldiers and fighters, reserved as a goodbye before the bloodiest of battles, “May you spend a full half hour in heaven before the devil knows you’re dead.” 

 

I know all too well that I have not earned the privilege of eternal paradise. I have fought, spilled blood and killed, exacted revenge on enemies. I have not shown mercy. I am no heaven-bound angel.

 

So many who have fought at my side deserve that moment of peace, of rest and salvation. If it exists, I want to see it. Just once. I want, i need to see my friends, my family, finally safe. They have not know safety for so long. None of us have known peace.

 

_ The gods are not dead. They live in women. They live in me. _

 

It is not blood, but ichor that flows through my veins as I fire my last shot, send the catalyst into flames and ear-shattering explosions. It is the rage of a goddess that keeps me on my feet.

 

It is the love of a mortal that keeps my heart beating in those last few moments. I have loved so many and I have lost so many. I die to protect those that remain and to honor the ones that have died for me, beside me. To honor those who I have killed.

 

Maybe a goddess watches over them now, watches over me as I take my final breaths. I drop my gun, I scream. I shatter. I die with every reaper, every synthetic, to allow organic life to survive.

 

There may be something waiting for me once I die, someone waiting for me.  

  
God, I hope so.

**Author's Note:**

> im fuckin dead yall. writing this killed me. rip


End file.
